We’re three weeks into season 20 of The Bachelor.
You read that right. Season 20.
20 seasons of this nonsense and I’m convinced not a single one of these girls has watched even one episode. Except Caila who keeps reminding us she broke up with her boyfriend when she saw Ben on TV.
Is anyone else realizing how weird that is?
A one-on-one date card arrives at the door.
It’s for flight attendant Lauren B. Caila is upset the date card isn’t for her. Homegirl, you had a one-on-one last week. You claim you’ve seen this show before, but I think you’re lying.
Ben picks her up in a convertible, which sounds great in theory, but like ew having hair in your mouth is gross. They arrive at the airport. Ben tells Lauren they’re going to fly in a little stunt plane.
Lauren, THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT, is “so nervous.”
They fly over the bachelor mansion. How convenient that all of the girls are outside and know that Lauren and Ben are in the plane…
They land in the middle of nowhere and guess what they do…
GET IN A HOT TUB! Wow. I wonder how that got there!
Lauren B. blurts out that she’s excited to meet his family… weird. An airplane and a hot tub are all it takes for you to feel ready to meet someone’s family.
Lauren gets a rose! Then, she and Ben go make out in front of some singer that I don’t know in a barn.
Back at home, Jubilee is sad. She says she isn’t like the other girls that are always so happy. This continues to be a theme for the next hour. *eye roll*
Ben takes Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Rachel, Lace and Emily on a soccer group date. Alex Morgan and Kelli O’Hara are also there.
The girls divide up into teams stars v. stripes and play. The winning team stays. The losing team goes home. I love when they do that.
The girls play soccer at about a two-year-old level. Alex Morgan shakes her head at their lack of athleticism. Someone faked an injury. Ya know, the usual.
“Balls flying at your face is never fun.”
Team stripes wins. Team stars goes home to cry.
Olivia steals Ben. While she’s away, the other girls talk about her toes and her stinky breath.
Jami tells Olivia. Drama drama drama!
Amber gets a rose… UGH. I WANT HER TO GO HOME ALREADY.
Jojo, Jubilee and Becca are up for the next one-on-one.
It goes to Jubilee! When Ben comes to get her and she sees a plane she panics and asks the gaggle of girls surrounding her if anyone wants to go instead. All of them raise their hand. Ben is confused.
Jubilee is like LOL JK and goes on the date anyway. She and Ben have a snack. She spits it out and tells Ben hot dogs are her go-to food. These women are like three year olds.
Jubilee and Ben have more deep talks. They have chemistry. I can’t come up with a good couple name for them though so I doubt it will last.
Belee? Jubin? I don’t know. Nothing works. If you have ideas comment or tweet at me. I’m open to anything at this point.
Jubilee gets a rose.
Time for the cocktail party
Ben announces he’s just received bad news that two people very close to him died in a plane crash. All of the girls say AWW at the same time in the same tone. Very rehearsed.
Olivia steals Ben to tell him all about HER problem… her cankles. Yep, cankles. Ben has just told everyone about his loss and Olivia is worried about her cankles. Wife material. #StayStrongOlivia #CankleStrong
Someone start this girl a 5k because apparently Olivia’s cankles are ruining her life.
Sweet Amanda comforts Ben (10 points for Amanda), but Jubilee takes it upon herself to give Ben a massage to help him feel better. The girls are pissed. Jubilee ends up crying. Ben comforts her.
Amber is the most upset and makes herself the spokeswoman for the other contestants.
Looking for some camera time, Amber marches upstairs to verbally attack Jubilee while Ben is in the room.
Bold move Amber. Trash talking has never ended well on this show.
Ben thinks the drama is over and ends the cocktail party, but then Lace swoops in and is like nope this isn’t over. She grabs Ben to talk. Lace tells him she’s leaving the show to work on herself and quotes her tattoo.
See you in paradise, Lace.
Everyone gets a rose except for Jami and Shushanna.
Olivia says something psycho about how Ben holds her. She thinks that is him telling her to stay strong. She has completely made this up, but gotta love her confidence.
Lauren H’s “Lettuce Be Friends” tank
Olivia’s two-piece cocktail dress
My Favorite This Week:
No one, because they’re all being cry babies. I like Olivia, Jojo and Amanda in general though.
Who Got the Boot:
Lace (left on her own)
That’s all for this week! You can watch the full episode here.
The drama continues next week in Vegas… let’s hope one twin gets sent home. That’s the drama I’m looking for.