Bachelor / Fun

Bachelor Recap: Where’s the Bathroom in the Fantasy Tent?

I spent all day Monday thinking about The Bachelor, which isn’t unusual, but this time I can blame my mind wandering on Caroline. On Sunday night at the women tell all she spilled some tea that made no sense. I thought watching on Monday would help, but it didn’t. We just got more Arie aggressively grabbing girls’ hair and rubbing collar bones except this time in Peru.

Kendall has the first date. Arie is trying to figure out if Kendall is “ready to be engaged at the end of this.” I wish Arie would be a little smarter and recognize how rare it is that a couple gets engaged on the show and is married a year later. Ask Rachel all about that. She HAD TO HAVE A PROPOSAL last season so she ditched Peter for Bryan and by the looks of it she isn’t even planning a wedding right now. So maybe let’s not pick people based on their readiness to marry you ehhhhh tomorrow.

Kendall opens up over dinner about how she’s falling in love with Arie and can trust him. The makeout begins and here comes the infamous fantasy suite card. Kendall accepts and they head on their merry way to have great conversation all night long. Thank you to the Bachelor cameraperson for showing Kendall and Arie’s shoes on the ground in the morning. I sure hope they sleep barefoot…

Arie makes Kendall eggs then goes off on his date with Lauren B, the brick wall as I love to call her. She and Arie fly over a desert and look at designs in the sand. Arie ooos and ahhhs while Lauren just stares like she normally does. What a fun date she is!!!

Lauren seems to have the upperhand after Arie telling her he loves her last week, which has me completely stumped. This proves that the whole playing hard to get thing might work because how do you love someone who has said a total of probably 20 words to you?

Some people have speculated Arie likes Lauren because he looks like Emily Maynard. I don’t know guys, I’m just reporting what I see.

At dinner, Lauren finally starts talking. She doesn’t like that Arie has more girlfriends than just her, which is the entire premise of the show so you can’t do anything about that… But Arie makes her more confident by reminding her AGAIN he loves her. Off to the fantasy suite they go.

The producers set Lauren and Arie’s five minute makeout to some super cute romantic song to make you try to like them, but in reality watching their relationship is like watching paint dry.

Arie shows up to his date with Becca with what Twitter thinks is a hickey from Lauren B. No one on set could put a little cover up over that? Childish.

Becca and Arie both admit they feel good about their relationship, but they could eventually have to work through long distance. Becca opens up about her ex who wasn’t great at the long distance thing because she was trying more than him. Arie is a MAN. He will not let that happen!

All day Becca has been nervous to say I love you, but when she musters up the courage Arie says it back. Yup, you read that right. He pulled a Ben Higgins. Great. This always goes well, idiot. Thankfully Becca won’t know Arie said he loves Lauren too until she watches the season back later.

Becca accepts the fantasy suite key and they go to… a tent. It’s a nice tent, but a tent. Once again, Becca needs to watch this episode back and realize she got JIPPED. I would’ve walked to that tent and said uhh never mind I’m going back to the HOTEL.

Becca is on a high from the fantasy suite. She loves life. She loves Arie, which is sad, but she’s happy so I’m happy for her.

Arie’s living his best life. He’s spent the past three nights in bed with three different girls. What could go wrong? Oh ya, Becca’s hot, manly ex showing up at squidly Arie’s door.

He insists he does not want to be on the show, but somehow is already mic’d? Hmm.

Ross and Becca dated for seven years. He’s the one that was bad at long distance. But now that there’s another guy in Becca’s life he’s flown to Peru (thx producers) to win the love of his life back. He couldn’t have gotten a flight from California to Minnesota to visit her when they were in the same country? Hmm. Ok.

We’ve all met a Ross, ladies. Don’t get caught up in his dreamy looks. He’s waited until it’s too late and Becca is happy with a total loser. Idiot. Total idiot. I do not feel bad for Ross, try harder next time buddy.

Arie has no time for Ross to be here, but asserts zero dominance because he physically can’t. He calls Ross a “f’in nerd” in an interview when Arie is the only nerd in this scenario.

Ross goes over to see Becca and she also has zero time for Ross. He had his chance and missed it. Even though Ross is better looking and says some cute stuff Becca knows better. She picks Arie over him. And let’s be honest, if it was any guy besides Arie you would be cheering her on for standing her ground. You just don’t like that Arie is a loser and Ross would stuff Arie in a locker if this was a high school sitcom.

Arie and Becca talk it out. All is well, but the two are SHOOKETH.

Ross goes back to California, and Arie and his girlfriends meet up for a rose ceremony. Arie pulls Kendall aside again, but this time to send her home. That leaves Becca and Lauren (the brick wall) B with roses.

Next week we have a “dramatic” season finale that that’s not one, but TWO days!

Follow me on twitter @wellesleylauren for live tweets every week! And now, live Instagram stories or “BachelorGrams” with Brett on @wellesleylauren.

THX 4 THE PICS ABC AND CONTESTANTS!!!

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