Bachelor / Fun

Bachelor Recap: Nobody Likes Arie

Falling asleep was so difficult last night because I was HEATED after watching The Bachelor. We all knew what was going to happen thanks to ABC basically throwing in the towel and giving us spoilers. That in itself was irritating, but not as irritating as Arie last night.

Arie’s family comes to Peru and meets the girls. Since Arie has no clue what to do (a few days before the proposal) he’s really leaning on his family to help him with this decision.

First they meet Lauren. She is basically silent in the beginning, which is normal, then quietly says how nervous she is. Arie’s mom pulls her aside and they talk while Lauren plays with her sleeves like a 7th grader getting up to give a speech. Lauren ends up crying at the thought of Becca still even being here and Arie’s mom tries to comfort her. Both Arie and Lauren talk to all of their family members and it isn’t anything monumental, but it goes well. When Lauren leaves the family sings her praises and tell Arie they really like her.

When Becca meets the family, she’s much more outgoing than Lauren for obvious reasons. Arie’s mom asked if Becca and Lauren are friends and Becca nicely said they’re pretty different so they didn’t hangout much, but they got to know eachother a bit. Becca can’t wrap her head around the face that Lauren is still here, which I can’t either for the record. She even says comparing her and Lauren is like comparing an apple to a starfish. HA! But you have to admit, she’s right. They’re different. Arie’s dad breaks Becca’s heart by savagely saying to her he doesn’t care who Arie picks because he likes both girls.

Becca leaves and Arie is still torn. His sister asked him who can he stay up late and have good conversations with. We all that’s not Lauren. She probably hates pillow talk. Based on that question, Arie should obviously pick Becca. The whole family is team Becca because she’s a stronger person, which is clear socially but also because Arie keeps saying Lauren needs so much reassurance.

There were also dates. Lauren and Arie go to Machu Picchu. “Machu Picchu is (long pause) one of the seven wonders of the world,” says Lauren. She also just says wow a lot, which is pretty on brand. Arie loves that.

Over dinner, Lauren keeps whining about how Becca is still here. Someone get this girl Hulu so she can see past seasons and realize THIS IS HOW THE SHOW WORKS. Arie keeps telling her he loves her and then probably mumbling to himself, “and Becca too.”

He asks what their life would be like. Lauren says they’d take their dogs on walks, make coffee in the morning and cook dinner. On the weekends they’ll go to the dog park. Very generic. Arie loves that. I’d suggest they get a hobby because if dog parks and making dinner is all I have to look forward to then count me out on marriage.

It’s the morning of Becca’s date and Arie says he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Lauren, but here we go! For Becca’s date they walk around a little town trying on sweaters, jumping in puddles and petting alpacas. Life is good. These two are cute.

At dinner, Becca talks about how she’s had a lot going on in her mind, which is fair since the producers flew her ex to Peru last week. But she still feels strong in their relationship. Meanwhile, man baby Arie has had a lot going on in his mind because he doesn’t know what to do and has a hard choice. He liked it better when he had 20 girlfriends and could just grab everyone’s hair and rub their collarbones.

Becca gives Arie a really cute scrapbook full of memories of their 12 week relationship. It was so cute!!!

Next day, Neil Lane knocks on Arie’s door. Arie tries to make small talk, but Neil does not have time because he knows he’s probably getting this ring back and wishes Arie would just pick one so he can leave.

Time for the proposal. Arie decided THIS MORNING which girl to propose to.

First limo is Lauren, she gets to Arie and his body language gives it away that he’s about to dump her. Lauren goes on to give a speech about their relationship and loving him. Arie does not get down on one knee and gives a little spcheel and walks her out. When they get to the car he goes in for A KISS!!!!!!!?!??!!!! He also says he loves her. Ok, Arie, psycho move. Do not propose to me after you just tried to kiss a girl and tell her you love her.

But it’s Arie and this is The Bachelor. Becca rolls up and gives Arie a long speech as well about their love and how she’s ready to “do the damn thing.” Well it appears Arie is too. He gets down on one knee and says he chooses her today and will choose her everyday. Well, spoiler, that’s a lie.

They’re so happy! Arie asks when they’re having babies and Becca says tonight. Eeek. When they’re walking away the rose breaks, which is foreshadowing if I’ve ever seen it.

Fast forward to a montage of the happy couple, but then Arie meets up with Chris. He’s about to break up with Becca, cameras and all. Poor girl doesn’t see it coming. She thinks they’re in LA for one of their secret meet ups. This is already cruel. Cue everyone in America hating Arie the mega douche.

Here comes the unedited scene that Chris Harrison has been bragging about all week as being so monumental for reality television.

So Becca gets to their house and is so excited to see Arie. When he shows up they sit on the couch and have a talk. He basically says ya know how I told you I still miss Lauren and think about her? Well I thought it’d go away but it didn’t so I’m going to go shoot my shot with her and see if that works.

Becca is obviously caught off guard and not ok, but here comes Arie with the dumb questions like: Are you ok? Will you talk to me?

Well Arie you dumb dumb, she’s crying so obviously she isn’t ok and you are breaking off your engagement with no warning whatsoever so do you really think she could be ok?

Becca plays it cool. She doesn’t yell or hit him. Very mature, very classy. Not sure how she did that, but I’m proud of her. She will probably be the bachelorette.

During all of this Arie shows no emotion. He isn’t sad to leave Becca and isn’t sad she’s sad. He just stalks her around the house as she keeps telling him to leave. Like what do you want, Arie? For her to say oh it’s ok, I’m fine? Well it isn’t ok and she isn’t fine so just LEAVE. After Becca asking him to go multiple times, Arie says, “ok I’m going to go then” AS IF IT WAS HIS OWN IDEA.

So after that we all hate Arie. You know what’s dramatic? When there isn’t a proposal. That way no one gets hurt. If you cannot decide who to propose to DO NOT PROPOSE. That’s just being a decent human being. Also, if you’re going to break off your engagement that isn’t uncommon in this franchise, but notice how everyone else has done it without cameras? Another way to be a decent human being.

Also, I need the producers to continue to edit this show. That unedited drama was 45 min of crying and Arie stalking Becca around a house that should’ve been condensed. I know you guys were just being lazy and it better not happen again.

Tonight on After the Final Rose Lauren, Becca and Arie will hangout. I hope Becca claws his face off and I hope Lauren doesn’t take him back.

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