Brett was sick yesterday so I didn’t get to watch with him, which really bummed me out. My mom offered to fill in for him, but she mostly just complained the show is boring and said “EWWW” every time Colton kissed one of the girls. So, she wasn’t the best Bachelor-watching partner.
My mom couldn’t have been any more wrong about the show; It was actually a solid episode!
It started with a classic, weird Bachelor date where the girls were asked to tell a “first-time” moment to an audience. Poor audience. The stories were weird, but Colton really liked what Elyse (red hair, 30 something) had to say. He thinks her maturity is “sexy,” like super sexy, so sexy that he KEPT SAYING SEXY.
Elyse got the date rose, but not before Demi made all the girls mad by kissing Colton during her story. Classic Dems, honestly. Overall, not too much heat was brought to this group date. Hannah G. told a cute story about first meeting Colton, so she’s obviously still #1 in his ranks. I’d be shocked if that changes.
Then it’s Hannah B’s birthday. Hannah B. is totally the girl who reminds everyone all month it’s her birthday. I can only imagine how annoying she was to the producers telling them her birthday was coming up, and they 1,000% gave her this date to shut her up.
She even asked Colton if he knew it was her birthday, and he said no. Come on sweetie, the producers set this up. Colton does not care, and based on this date if Colton had a birthday wish, it’d probably be to swap girls mid date.
Hannah B. didn’t talk the whole first half of the date. She made a toast..to herself..after a lot of awkward pauses, and then sat in a hot tub with Colton (YAY FIRST MIDDLE-OF-NOWHERE HOT TUB) and just stared at him. I won’t say this often, but poor Colton.
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1) l’ll forever be triggered if I hear “let’s make a toast” 2) I didn’t know you could say birthday that many times in a sentence. the word is dead to me. 🤦🏼♀️😵 I have my journal from my time on the show and it’s moments like these that I’m so glad I took the time to write down my every feeling:: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ “I woke up truly with a goofy smile on my face. I’m getting out of this zoo of a house to go on a date with Colton. By myself. All day. Ahh, but also pressure—hello, I’ve been here two days?!! I’m freaking so uncomfortable about what the heck I’m doing and I’m supposed to make him googly-eyed over me. Help me dear Jesus.” ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Yep. this date was totally uncomfortable and awkward, because I was totally uncomfortable and awkward with everything surrounding me. But thank the Lord this sweet man grins and bears it with me and somehow gets me out of this crazy head of mine to show him a little bit of my heart.
At dinner, Colton basically warns Hannah B. to open up or go home. So she blurts out, “SO WHY ARE YOU A VIRGIN?” Ugh, Hannah, you were supposed to tell him about YOU!
Eventually she goes into some story about how she wishes she was a virgin and all the guilt she had when she had sex, and it was weird. Apparently, that’s enough for Colton/the producers who need her and Caelynn to get in a cat fight for the ratings, so she got a rose.
Oh, by the way, while all this is happening, Caelynn is at home telling one of the girls how Hannah B. hated her after USA because Caelynn placed (1ru, my queen) and Hannah B. didn’t place. Yikes. More on this later I’m sure. Oh, and I will be doing my best to get the true tea on this from my pageant people so just hold on this storyline, thanks.
Now it’s time for another group date, and Billy Eichner is here. Why? I’m not sure. I don’t think anyone is, but okay!
The girls are at “summer camp” with Colton, but he didn’t get the athleisure memo and is wearing jeans. Yikes. The girls are divided into teams (red and yellow) and have three challenges to determine who gets to spend the rest of the evening with Colton.
I’m automatically cheering for the yellow team because Caelynn and I need more time to hear about Heather’s “never been kissed” occupation. Like how much does that pay? I need to know. Also, please don’t let Colton, who is kissing all your roommates, be your first kiss!!!!!!
There’s kayaking, tug of war and egg races. How fun… The yellow team wins! Yay! Goodbye red team, ya lost!!
Now, Caelynn gets time to talk about being hospitalized as a kid and Colton talks about how he goes to hospitals all the time to see kids. They’re bonding!!! I’m swooning.
But the real winner is Heather who opens up about not being kissed. Colton is down with that, and gives her the rose. Caelynn is butthurt, but girlfriend you obviously get a rose; Please calm down.
At the cocktail party, the red team schemes how they will get their time with Colton since it was cut short on their date. Boohoo.
Onyeka has a plan to interrupt Sydney’s time with Colton- an airhorn. She blows it in their ears and yells “I was horny” (Thank goodness my mom left at this point. That was so cringey). Sydney retaliates by banging pots and pans to interrupt their time, but I don’t know that it really worked.
Demi steals the spotlight again by coming down in a robe (a very Corinne move if you ask me) and whisks Colton away to give him the world’s worst massage. She was using no pressure at all. Colton was nice and said he “could get used to this,” but I definitely couldn’t. This gesture leaves Tracy upset again (yeah, again), this time she’s crying in the bathroom. Tracy really needs to woman up.
As predicted, Colton makes great TV. I personally think this is because he’s thirsty for fame and thus easily manipulated/will do what it takes. At first I hate that about him, but it’s making two hours of my Monday pure gold.
Who Got the Boot:
Annie, Alex, Angelique and Erika.. Yeah, I don’t know who they are either, but I was surprised Alex got cut this early.
Demi is making a great villain this week, and I’m here for it.
My Least Favorite:
Tracey just drives me absolutely crazy for some reason. She’s so busy narrating the show then she gets mad she doesn’t have time with Colton. Spend less time talking to the camera, and more time talking to Colton.