I’m going to be honest, I’m still recovering emotionally from watching Colton working out shirtless last night, but I’m going to try to pull it together to write this.
Of course we start with some weird group date. This time, the girls dress up as pirates and duel each other to rescue Colton. Snooze.
Alabama Hannah is NOT THRILLED that Caelynn, her Miss USA roommate and sworn enemy on The Bachelor, is on the date too. She’s so upset she makes it clear to Colton (after the horrible pirate role play date) that if Colton likes Caelynn, there’s no way he can also like her.
Hannah, NEVER SPEND YOUR TIME WITH THE LEAD TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER GIRLS. IT IS A WASTE AND GETS YOU SENT HOME!!!
It’s obvious Colton is trying to do the math here and figure out why he can’t have both since he just had a great one-on-one chat with Caelynn. He tries to get both sides of the story, but neither girl is outright saying what happened between the two. My guess? Nothing big actually happened.
Let me go pageant mode for a moment. At pageants, there are girls that are like “let’s make a million besties, this is so fun” and just enjoy the experience and see what happens. There are also girls that lazer focus in on the competition and come off as cold or even mean. I’m guessing Hannah B. is the fun, let’s make friends girl and Caelynn tunes everyone out and focuses in on the competition at hand. Thus, Hannah having this beef with her.
Oh, and to prove my earlier point correct, Caelynn gets the date rose. TAKE THAT HANNAH B!!!!
But other things are happening too, Demi steals Colton away and blindfolds him. This girl is wild. She proceeds to make Colton bend over so she can hit him with a paddle, and I think he’s scared. How would he not be though? This girl is always trying to get him alone and do weird things. It’s a bit I’m currently enjoying though.
This week the Tracy and Demi feud continues, but definitely takes a backseat to the USA girls’ drama. We see little bits of it and even Courtney joins in, but my girl Demi keeps standing her ground!
Someone tell Tracy being “old and wise” is a boring edit. Also, you’re only 30, that isn’t even old. Why are you trying to mom everyone? You’re basically 20, just be normal. Ew.
Now it’s time for a one-on-one with Elyse, who is also in her 30’s but not being annoying about it (@Tracy). Elyse and Colton go in a helicopter, which they’ve both never done before. I also have never been on a helicopter before if someone’s interested in taking me slide into my DMs!!!
They fly to an amusement park where Colton tells Elyse this is actually a group date. Her face is like…um absolutely not, but then kids come around the corner and Elyse is like oh ok.
Cue the montage of Colton playing with kids that makes every girl’s heart melt: they go on rides and serve ice cream to the kids. This is also a perfect time to plug Colton’s charity work!!!! DUH!!!
I will say Colton has total cool Instagram dad status, and not in a Sean Lowe way because Sean Lowe is annoying.
SIDEBAR: I’m currently beefing with Sean Lowe because he’s not funny and is 1000% overrated.
Elyse and Colton definitely have some chemistry, which is cute, but I don’t think she’s the winner or going to end up in the final four. They do have a nice talk at dinner, Elyse opens up about her sister dying, and gets a rose. Then, of course, The Bachelor ruins everything by sending Elyse and Colton to a concert of some singer we don’t know.
Colton plugs this artist he has never heard of and they go stand on a platform and make out while the audience takes pics for their ~*~insta stories~*~*. Basically, it’s like super romantic.
Finally, we have the last group date. The girls arrive at a workout place to see Colton outside shirtless flipping tires, doing pushups…I’M SWEATING JUST TYPING THIS. Colton is a MAN, like he’s huge and in great shape. You didn’t need me to tell you this, but I just need to talk this out. BUT WOW! I can’t find the full clip so this gif will have to do.
Okay, back to the date, Terry Edwards and his wife are there to take the girls through a workout. Some are not athletic at all, but Sydney the personal trainer is in her element. She has Colton stretch her out, which is a total power move by the way, and the other girls are definitely jealous.
Apparently, all that was just a warm up for the girls now to compete in the Bachelor’s Strongest Woman contest. They’re pushing “wedding cake” sleds, flipping “ring” tires and pulling limos. Well some are, others are really trying their best.
The final three are DJ Catherine, Sydney and Onyeka (who did track in high school by the way-lol). Onyeka goes balls to the wall and wins. Colton pity kisses her, but there is absolutely no romance there, sorry Onyeka.
There’s also no romance after the date with Caitlin. She’s a cute girl! She finally gets some alone time with Colton, and just biffs it. You hate to see it because she could’ve been a sneaky final 8 girl; Brett called that last week, but she didn’t perform. It was so bad that she got sent home on the spot..yikes.
Colton’s mind is made up so he doesn’t need a cocktail party, but he’s down for a pool party! Colton is the guy who cannonballs into the pool right away at a party. I hate those guys.
He also takes time for some serious conversations. Hannah G. is up first. She’s upset about not having a date this week, but she doesn’t need a date. She’s the obvious frontrunner, and Colton basically tells her that.
Of course Caelynn and Alabama Hannah are back with Colton talking to him more about the pageant drama without really saying anything at all. This was fun at first, but nothing is really developing so it’s time for this to end with Colton sending Hannah B. home. Sadly, Hannah B. gets a rose. The last rose, but still a rose. *sighs*
Overall takeaway from this episode, Colton kisses a lot of the girls. It’s not getting nearly enough attention, but I think he’s a nervous kisser. Nothing to say? Kiss. Want a girl to leave? Kiss. Is anyone else noticing this?
Who Got the Boot:
DJ with the dog Catherine, Bri with the fake accent, Nina (I don’t know her) and Caitlin mid-date.
Catherine and Bri going home was a surprise since they were heavy hitters night one!
I’m trying to not pick Caelynn every week. Sydney and Onyeka were up there in the ranks with their group date performance.
My Least Favorite:
Tracy, obviously. Also, Hannah B.