We’re at the halfway point, and Colton is showering…again, but this time in Thailand! At least we know he has great hygiene?
Heather, who you probably haven’t heard has never been kissed, gets the one-on-one. She’s super excited for her first kiss to be with a guy who has like 10 other girlfriends. Probably not the way I’d want my first kiss to go down, but do your thing girl.
To prove my theory that Colton is not totally there, he asked Heather if she blows kisses. Yes, Colton, you big dweeb. She just hasn’t kissed a guy before. I’m sure Heather has blown a kiss.
Now, the producers give us lots of weird, up close mouth shots leading up to their kiss. The conversation is pretty weak, but they’re teeing this up for Heather pretty well. Honestly, the producers are the ultimate wing people.
At dinner, Heather and Colton have a really great conversation about why she hasn’t kissed anyone. Someone has to be feeding Colton these questions because he does ask great ones. Heather explains she’s not waiting for her husband is totally DTK (yup, I made a new acronym).
Colton shoots his shot kissing Heather under fireworks. How romantic. For the record, I cannot kiss under fireworks because they’re loud and when they start I tend to plug my ears and run… very hot, I know. So Brett, if you’re reading this, I’m out on fireworks kisses.
Back at the hotel, Elyse is spiraling. After her one-on-one she’s upset she hasn’t gotten anymore one-on-one time with Colton. Elyse’s problem is that she hasn’t seen the show before. He can’t give one girl all the one-on-one dates!! It just doesn’t work that way.
When the group date card comes and her name is on it, Elyse is not happy. When Heather gets back from her date, Elyse gets up and leaves to go see Colton. Please keep in mind, she’s done her makeup, put her hair in an up-do and has on a gown!!
Colton is like, why are you here? Elyse explains she’s upset she can’t have the time and attention relationship requires. Well, sister, in case you can’t tell this show is not for typical relationships. You’re in Thailand. Does your boyfriend fly you to Thailand? And Singapore? And have multiple other girlfriends? Thought so.
Colton tries to talk her into staying, but Elyse is not down to stay if she doesn’t get all the one-on-ones and constant reassurance apparently. It’s obvious Colton really likes her, but that isn’t enough for Elyse so she’s leaving. Goodbye Elyse, I liked you until it got weird.
It’s time for the group date! But first, an emotional vlog from Colton. Is anyone enjoying these? Did the camera crew get lazy? Are they trying to make this seem more personal? What is your angle here, ABC?
Colton introduces the girls to his “friend” Joe who was raised in the jungle. He’s going to teach the girls how to survive and make them forage for water and food.
Tayisha alphas her group by making the other two girls go get water while she and Colton go “look for food”. Spoiler, they don’t really look for food they kiss…for a really long time.
Naturally, the Hannahs and Demi’s group cheat and go to the nearest hotel and bring back champagne and burgers, which Colton loves. The other groups brought back slugs.. ew.
Tayisha and Hannah B. definitely have the best one-on-one time with Colton from what we see, but it’s nothing really notable.
Before Elyse left, she supposedly told Onyeka that Nicole is only there for opportunities to get out of Miami. Now, Onyeka has made it her mission to “expose” Nicole as a fraud. Nicole and Onyeka are the weakest links of this group right now, and no Bachelor has ever liked drama from the peanut gallery OR tattletales.
Tayisha was there for the conversation in question, and tells Onyeka that what she heard isn’t true. Now Onyeka and Nicole are battling it out, which is boring and unnecessary.
In the middle of all this drama, Hannah B. gets the rose. I’m not her biggest fan, but she really will do anything to get Colton’s attention (eat things that the other girls squeal at).
Colton and Cassie go on their first one on one, but don’t do much talking. They take a boat ride to a private island where all they do is kiss…the whole time… Basically, Colton is just physically attracted to Cassie, but there isn’t much depth there.
At dinner, Cassie’s “sob story” is that she isn’t a virgin. Wait, what? Is anyone else confused? No one is making you tell Colton the status of your virginity. She’s scared of being judged by her family and people back home, but once again she didn’t have to share that info. Weak sob story.
A common misconception on this show is you have to have a sob story to talk about in your one on one, and you really don’t. You can just talk and have a normal conversation over dinner. You don’t have to say anything impressive or wild. Just be normal!!!
Colton and Cassie end up in a bed (??), and Colton laughs saying he normally doesn’t let girls into his bed on a first date. This is the weirdest date ever. It’s like almost boring? Anyway, Colton had fun and gave Cassie a rose.
At the cocktail party, the girls are pulling out all the stops. Demi gets Colton and herself trust rings and Tayisha and Colton make a wish on a paper lantern.
Meanwhile, Onyeka and Nicole are still feuding. Nicole uses her only one-on-one time with Colton defending herself from Onyeka’s accusation. Horrible idea. She also calls Onyeka a bully… Onyeka is about to show her a bully!!
The two girls are talking and Colton walks up. I was hoping he’d eliminate them right then and there. He didn’t. Total missed opportunity dude!
Colton, has no time for this and neither do I. Sadly, he also doesn’t have time for a rose ceremony so I’m mad. I guess we will have to wait until next week.
Oh, and Kirpa’s chin is bandaged because she was trying to get a gram off. Respect.
Who Got The Boot:
No one because there was too much drama for a rose ceremony. If you’ve been here before you know how much I hate when episodes don’t end with rose ceremonies.
Tayisha killed it this week! She’s on her game getting lots of time with Colton and I love it. I also would like to see Sydney get a one-on-one next week.
My Least Favorite:
Onyeka and Nicole for their unnecessary drama. You aren’t even a major part of the storyline right now! Please go away. Colton, send them home right now.