Bachelor / Fun

Bachelor Recap: Snakes In The Grass

Hi Lovelies,

Hometowns are a week away and Colton is worried about which girls aren’t “here for the right reasons.” He talks to Ben Higgins about this because apparently Ben can give some insight? Honestly, better than Sean Lowe. I can’t stand Sean Lowe.

This week they’re in Denver, and the girls meet Colton and his dog in a park. The girls scream and pet Colton’s dog because loving dogs is a basic girl personality trait and these girls have nothing but basic girl personality traits.

I’d like to take a moment to note that it’s the the middle of the day and Hannah B. looks like she’s going to The Rail. She’s wearing a leather jacket and sheet top. WILD MOVE, Hannah B!

Colton asks Tayisha on a date, and they roam around Denver. It’s cute, and reminds me of going to Denver with Brett. Brett and I look like Tayisha and Colton if you squint a lot and don’t think about it too hard.

Anyway, the date is going well they pick up fish to cook later and eat ice cream. Then, Tayisha turns into a major snake (we don’t like snakes) and says she thinks Katie was talking about Caelynn and Cassie last week when she told Colton some girls aren’t in this for real.

Apparently, Caelynn and Cassie were overheard talking about being The Bachelorette and getting sponsorships. Can you really blame them? One girl leaves engaged, which will probably get called off (sorry but it’s true), one will become the bachelorette and the other 28 will have Diff Eyewear sponsorships. If this whole thing is true, who cares. Caelynn and Cassie are smart. I don’t fault them for this alleged conversation.

Once Tayisha is done snitching, she and Colton go to some house (Colton’s? an AirBnB? a fancy hotel suite?) and make dinner. She talks about her dad being protective, but Colton is not backing down! Tayisha gets a hometown.

I liked her last week, but I don’t do snakes so I have to be Team Not Tayisha now. After the scene of Tayisha walking into the bedroom in Colton’s jersey and his slimy facial expression I’m not sure how Team Colton I am either..

A date card arrives, and it’s for Caelynn. The other girls start to get tear-eyed. WHY DO THEY CRY SO MUCH OVER THE DATES THIS SEASON?

Caelynn goes to meet Colton in the Rockies. Colton is super in his head the whole date after Tayisha’s comments the day before. Colton approaches Caelynn about Tayisha’s comments, which leaves her sad and also really really mad.

They do go snowboarding, but Caelynn basically spends the rest of the date convincing Colton she really is there for him and wants to get married. Colton doesn’t know what to believe, and why he’d believe Tayisha who is pretty fresh on the scene and not Caelynn who he’s liked from day one is beyond me.

Thanks Tayisha for basically ruining their date! You are rude!

Ultimately, Colton comes to his senses and gives Caelynn a rose. Then they go to Red Rocks and get a private performance from Brett Young. It’s one of the coolest musical performances of this franchise ever.

Caelynn comes back from her date and warns Cassie of the drama that’s probably coming her way too. Tayisha tells Kirpa she spilled the beans, and Kirpa has determined she will reiterate Tayisha’s thoughts to Colton on her date.

Another date card comes, and it’s for Hannah B. At this point, in my mind, Hannah has to go. She’s overstayed her welcome in my humble opinion. For some reason, Colton takes her to meet his parents.

Hannah is kind of awkward in all her conversations. She’s like too excited and can’t talk. She has very simple answers to Colton’s mom when asked if she loves Colton and if she’s ready for marriage. The answer to both is yes with lots of giggles.

Colton opens up to his dad he doesn’t know what to do with the drama of girls saying some of the others aren’t ready for marriage. Colton’s dad tells him to trust his gut. Classic parent advice.

Also, why do Colton’s parents dress like they’re 24? Lmk because it’s distracting. His dad is wearing a long tee and his mom has on a cold shoulder top. Who are these people?!

Colton and Hannah B. head off to dinner. She walks out in a dress that looks like her grandma’s and she’s trying to bring it back. Colton says she looks beautiful. I love when men lie 🙂 Hannah has a cute face though, it’s just a really really bad dress.

Hannah tells Colton for like the third time she’s falling in love with him. Sadly, Colton is not feeling the same way. Hannah B. is going back to Alabama. Sorry, sis. The suitcase man is apparently still employed because he snags Hannah’s suitcase from the girls’ room super quick. It’s official. Goodbye, Hannah B.

Now it’s time for a group date with Cassie, Heather, Kirpa and Hannah G. It’s pretty obvious who needs to leave, right? If it isn’t, the correct answers are Heather and Kirpa.

Colton rolls up to the ladies on a train, and they hop on. They’re hanging out outside. Colton has on a trash outfit (bomber jacket, hoodie and SCARF?!). Why the scarf? Are you cold? Might I suggest a heavier jacket?

Anyway, right away Heather snags Colton to do the whole, “You can’t fire me; I quit” bit. She snags one last kiss (her second, in case you forgot) and goes home.

Cassie gets a chance to talk to Colton and explain herself in the middle of this drama. There’s a lot of crying and it’s obvious Colton doesn’t want to believe Tayisha because he really likes Cassie.

Now it’s Kirpa’s turn and she tells Colton she doesn’t think Caelynn and Cassie are ready. Her evidence? Caelynn and Cassie “got defensive” after Colton mentioning people not “being here for the right reasons” last week. That’s some weak evidence, Kirpa.

Colton’s so in his head he can’t decide who to keep so Kirpa, Cassie and Hannah G. go to dinner with him.

Right away, he gives Hannah G. a rose, which is a duh. Now it’s Kirpa and Cassie left to duke it out. Colton talks to each of them, but still seems confused. I don’t know why. Choosing between Cassie and Kirpa is too easy.

Caelynn swoops in with the ultimate power move and talks to Colton. He comes back and gives Cassie a rose. Work your magic, Caelynn!

Two important things to note:

  1. Where is Chris Harrison? I have not seen him in ages and I am worried
  2. I can explain with a single tweet, my own tweet actually.

Who Got The Boot:

Kirpa, Hannah B and Heather (left on her own)

My Favorite:

Caelynn- it’s the end now so I can go back to loving her and only her every week.

My Least Favorites:

Kirpa and Tayisha for being petty drama stirrers. That gets you sent home, ladies!

Follow me on twitter @wellesleylauren for live tweets every week! And now, live Instagram stories or “BachelorGrams” with Brett on @wellesleylauren.

THX 4 THE PICS ABC AND CONTESTANTS!!!
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