Bachelor

Bachelor Recap: What Happens at Stagecoach Ends up in Paradise

It is not often you get to see a grown man cry on television, but that’s why we watch Paradise, ladies and gents.

Blake breaking down reminded us what BIP is all about as he literally saw his life crumble before him. The episode opened with Kristina challenging him after bait-and-switching him with a date card, then he returned to have a conversation with Caelynn where she tells him he made her feel like a “slimy, disgusting” secret for the way he treated her Post-Stagecoach.

(Editor’s note: In the real world, Blake releases some texts on Instagram that make him look like just kind of a skeezeball, not an absolute douchebag. Caelynn appeared to becoming on to him strong at California’s Country Music Festival)

We then cut to Blake’s confessional, where we see a grown man break down. An hour later, we see him break down again, talking about how hard this is going to be for him and his friends and family.

A 30-year-old man’s cheeky Post-Bachelor life getting ripped away from him on TV for millions to see is exactly what we watch this ridiculous show for. 

After Blake’s self/Caelynn-inflicted meltdown, the show had to go on. 

Dylan is all about Hannah, but my man played his cards way too soon. This is a small island full of wanna-be alphas, Dylan can’t play the sheepish nice guy. It works in the real world but it doesn’t work on Hannah G, who is gonna be pushing a mili Instagram followers by the time the season is over.

Wills gave her that alpha energy and got a makeout sesh out of it (which eventually fades off because at the rose ceremony she tells him not to give her a rose). Even though he was able to fend off Wills, there is not a chance this ends well for Dylan. Poor guy is going to dig into his own grave with Hannah and not realize what he’s done until he’s already 6-feet-under which is kind of sad because he seems like a good dude. 

Halfway through the episode, a date card finally comes and it belongs to Clay. Annaliese doesn’t think he is here for the right reasons because of his recentish breakup with Angela, another minor character in the Bachelor Universe. Clay very matter of factly shuts it down but Annliese does land one below the belt by saying he is only here because he didn’t get picked up by an NFL team. Ouch. One more thing on this, Annaliese is absolutely bonkers. 

Anyway, Clay immediately picks Nicole despite Bibiana thinking it was going to be her. Poor Bibi, no one ever really picks her on these shows. Nicole and Clay go on to have a snoozefest of a date, they smooch a little bit, there’s fireworks, some bright lights on the streets of Mexico, all of the usual stuff. 

On to the Rose Ceremony, which is getting the proper noun treatment! 

Derek and Demi are still doing whatever weird thing they do until Demi leaves him for a girl and Onyeka and JPJ have apparently built a nice little connection that wasn’t shown to us viewers because they’re kissing and JPJ is telling her that he has enjoyed all of the time they spent together. First swirl sighting of the season, baby! 

And did you think Blake would go quietly into the night? Of course not. He whisks Hannah away and tells her hard this week has been for him and eventually they are locking lips! 

Blake and Hannah are caught in some weird love situations already, best thing for them might be just to link and build on their own. Blake is the bad boy and Hannah wants a bad boy. 

Also that Rose Ceremony! Doesn’t even happen. ABC is always playing games with us and they know all of us minions will keep coming back. I know I will!

Biggest Winner: Cam – This guy came out of nowhere and got a kiss from Caelynn. He said on America’s favorite small-to-midsized podcast Circling Back that he had his eye on her and then he went and got her. No way anyone saw that one coming. 

Biggest Loser (other than Blake): Jane – Two Bachelor shows. Two rose ceremonies. And she made our man JPJ puke with some food that was too spicy. Sayonara, sister! See ya never!

Peace!
Brett

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