Praise the lord this is no longer the Blake and Hannah Show. While the pair was the center of plenty of drama after the fallout of Blake dancing into Hannah’s heart and stomping on Dylan’s, we leave this episode with them being what looks like them being a full-blown couple moving forward. And do you know why they are going to be a full-blown couple moving forward? Because they hooked up a week before Paradise when Blake FLEW OUT TO BIRMINGHAM TO SHOW HANNAH HE WAS MORE THAN DMING HER.
Dylan may get some cracks to win Hannah back but he will probably end up like Cam, lonely and sad, wandering around the beach aimlessly until he goes home.
Speaking of Cam, he still longs for Caelynn but the Former Miss North Carolina is all about Dean as he waltzes back into Paradise stache-and-all. The ladies seem to think Dean is still quite attractive despite his grimier look stemming from living in a van and seldom showering.
Dean makes the rounds and he eventually selects Caelynn to go on a date with him. On said date, she rehashes the Blake sitch and then they hit it off. By the time the episode draws to a close, Mike appears to be a thing of the past for Caelynn as he has shifted to pursuing Sydney. Dean, by the way, is getting some heat for the lack of job and house thing but I personally think it’s admirable. The guy wants to travel the world so he’s going for it full bore which I can respect.
And where is Cam in all of this? Looking into the ocean at night. I wanted to give Cam a chance but he is every bit as Bachelor Nation has made him out to be.
Dean wasn’t the only man to come arrive in Paradise this week. Enter Christian, a first night castaway from Becca’s season who looks like a failed minor league baseball who shifted his attention to hitting the club on the Jersey Shore.
Christian comes in with his swagger on a hundred thousand trillion to quote Kanye. He talks about how he is coming for whomever he wants and he goes for Nicole. And he gets her. They go on a date and have some heavy, heavy makeouts and speak Spanish to each other.
Upon her return, Clay starts talking to her leading to confrontation numero uno between Clay and Christian. Christian gets heated while Clay plays it cool, which is uh, not enough for Nicole. She wants Clay to be more aggressive. News flash Nikki, if Clay was actually aggressive toward this guy he would end up in jail for beating him to a pulp.
Aaaannndddd speaking of fights, one night later we get our first look at one. After Clay tries unsuccessfully to steal Nicole away from Christian at the cocktail party, Jordan steps up to defend his honor. Clay states very clear he would not like Jordan to do that but Jordan goes to smash Christian’s pinata anyway. There’s pushing, shoving and security all involved but we don’t get to see what actually happens because of a classic Bachelor cliffhanger. Those rascals at ABC got us again.
Biggest Winner: JPJ – We spent the whole episode wondering why this guy wasn’t getting camera time and it turns out our boy was just rehearsing Shakespeare. He recites the sonnet from when Romeo first lays eyes on Juliet to Tayshia and absolutely crushes it despite a couple people around Paradise wondering how it would land. America isn’t used to wavy-haired bros doing Billy Shakes but here John Paul Jones was giving us what we never thought was possible.
Biggest Loser: Dylan – The poor guy basically already got dumped but you just know he is going to come back for more.